I recently spoke with my client, a 24-year-old young man, who has been dating a 22-year-old woman. They had been on three dates, and the moment he got on the phone, I could already hear the excitement in his voice.

“Hi! I’ve got great news to share!”

“I’m ready,” I told him, smiling.

He got right to it, telling me how absolutely amazing she is.

“Okay,” I said, “tell me more. What makes her so amazing?”

He immediately described their chemistry: how beautiful, fun, and charming she is, how easy it feels to be together. All wonderful things. But when I asked about the deeper questions we had discussed before the third date–questions meant to help him understand whether their values align and whether she’s truly growth-oriented–he paused.

“Well … we didn’t really get into all that. I kind of felt uncomfortable talking about more serious things when we were having such a great time. It just felt right.”

I nodded to myself quietly. It’s something I understand and hear often. They were enjoying each other and staying in the fun, easy space that early dating often brings. That’s all happy and beautiful. But it also comes with a caution.

We have to be careful with using words like amazing when describing someone we barely know, even when we are feeling it.

Someone can be delightful, charismatic, and engaging. People can even speak highly of them. They can have all the right personality traits. But personality isn’t what makes someone truly amazing. Character is.

Personality can make a date exciting and fun. But character is what makes a marriage solid and fulfilling.

This distinction is not new. It goes all the way back to one of the most important matchmaking stories in our history: when our patriarch Abraham sent his servant Eliezer to find a wife for his son Isaac.

The way he carried out that mission provides an incredible blueprint for how to look for a marriage partner, one that is as relevant today as it was then.

Here is the simple 4-step process:

1. Understand Where Your Potential Partner Is Coming From

A person’s upbringing influences how they show up in a marriage and the world at large. Abraham knew the life mission he was passing on to Isaac and future generations. He knew that their purpose was to bring G‑d’s presence into the world through kindness, righteousness, and teaching others to live with a higher purpose.

With that in mind, he identified to Eliezer where the girl should come from: his own extended family. Rashi, the foremost classic Torah commentator, explains that Abraham’s family, despite their idol worship, still had a certain level of basic decency and refinement, unlike his corrupt and immoral Canaanite neighbors.

These shared values mattered because Abraham wanted a woman whose environment had positively shaped the way she interacted with people and the kind of family she would one day raise—qualities essential to the mission he was passing on to Isaac. Abraham had a clear vision of what he was aiming for, and you can’t aim well if you don’t know what you’re aiming for.

2. Pray for the Right Match and Right Outcome

This next step is indispensable. Eliezer asked G‑d to help him make the right choice. There is wisdom in acknowledging that we can only see so much, because human perception is limited. But when we turn to G‑d, we invite clarity and guidance into a process that can otherwise be daunting. Once Eliezer prayed, he embarked on his mission confident that G‑d would help him recognize the right match for Isaac.

3. Know What You Value

Eliezer identified the exact traits that Isaac’s future wife would need to have. Abraham and Sarah exemplified kindness and hospitality; their home was open to strangers, and they introduced the world to the concept of One G‑d. To continue that mission, the woman who would join the family needed to embody the qualities of kind-heartedness, capability, and strength.

Kindness would be needed to connect with people in a way that could ultimately influence their relationship with G‑d and their sense of purpose in the world. Capability and strength would be necessary not only for Abraham’s family’s mission, but also for the future generations of Israel and the challenges they would one day face in exile.

Rebecca exemplified these three qualities. When she met Eliezer as a complete stranger and saw that he and his camels were thirsty, she could have simply offered water to him, but not the camels. Or offered just enough water to wet their mouths. Instead, she offered enough water to Eliezer and his camels to satisfy their thirst completely. It took kindheartedness to recognize the need, while it was her capability and strength that allowed her to complete the arduous task.

This lesson applies to current times. You cannot know whether someone is right for you if you don’t first know what traits you most need in a partner. And to know what you're looking for, you must ask yourself: “What is my mission in the world? What do I value?” Then you can start looking for a compatible partner.

4. Observe Your Dating Partner Closely

Finally, the last step: Eliezer watched. He observed Rebecca in real time. He didn’t rely on her looks, charm, or personality. He paid close attention to her behavior: her choices, her instinctive generosity, and her competence. And because he had the right focus, he was able to immediately identify the right match for Isaac.

It’s easy to get pulled in by attraction and chemistry. And while both are important, they can never replace the whole picture of what a person truly stands for.

If you want to really know someone, pay attention to how their values show up through their choices and how they treat people. Noticing where they come from and the direction they are headed gives you a good idea of whether their mission aligns with yours.

When these qualities match up, you are poised to build not only a fulfilling marriage, but to positively impact future generations.

And when you find someone like that, only then can you confidently say, “She’s amazing”… and mean it.